You're Unhappy. Is It Your Marriage?

"For better, for worse" is a common wedding vow. It acknowledges that most marriages will have ups and downs. Hopefully the "downs" will be temporary, but what if they're not? What happens if the downs start to outnumber the goods?

If you've been unhappy in your marriage for some time, it can affect everything else in your life. Your misery can consume you, leading you to think that divorce is the best route for you and your partner. Divorce is hard, not to mention it's expensive, so before you go down that path, Dr. Karen Finn, a life and divorce coach, has an important suggestion: figure out exactly why you are so unhappy in your marriage.

Seems like a simple thing, but many couples that are unhappy have a hard time pinpointing why they are so unhappy. Maybe it's a lot of little things that add up, or maybe it's a major thing. Maybe it's been so long you can't even remember what exactly led to the downhill spiral. So really think about it. Ask your partner to also really think about it. Whatever is it, can it be changed or worked on by either you or your partner that would result in a better relationship? Are you or your partner even willing to work on things?

According to Finn, there are three situations in which divorcing may be the immediate and best answer:

1. Your spouse is an active addict and refuses to seek help.

2. Your spouse is abusive to you or your children.

3. You and your spouse are providing a horrible example for your children.

If you are not in one of these situations, then Finn recommends considering other options and possibilities before jumping into a divorce. Here are three points to examine:

1. Is your unhappiness stemming from a source outside of your marriage? Maybe it's work, other family members, a life event or something else. It's easy to blame your spouse for your unhappiness, but if it's truly not your spouse causing your discontent, then resolving the other issue and reconnecting with your spouse could be the answer.

2. It actually is your relationship with your spouse that’s making you miserable. Two people make up a relationship. In order to improve yours, you both need to get serious and address how you're contributing to each other's unhappiness. Finn suggests that you both make an effort to be your best for each other. If you can do that, your discontent may start to fade away and you can work on rebuilding your relationship.

3. You’ve tried everything, but it's just not working. If you've both really worked at resolving your issues with no success, then divorce may be your best option. Making a clear effort to "save your marriage" will help give you the clarity that divorce is the right step and it can help you proceed with compassion.

 




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