I felt I could only live on the edge of success, as I lacked the confidence to move upward and achieve my potential. There were secrets in my life I had to protect and it was easier and safer to do nothing. My low self-esteem and inferiority complex made me feel as though I wasn’t a good enough person to deserve the respect that came with senior positions. I told myself that I should be satisfied and feel lucky to have my current job considering my lifestyle.
One attribute that separated me from most colleagues at my level was being results-oriented and willing to put my work on the table for open discussions about what I thought and created. Most peers were more concerned about company politics and fearful to expose what they knew or didn’t know for fear it could hurt relationships. I resented people who never associated themselves with any business development but advanced through the company by taking credit for what other people did and avoiding political risks.
But the truth was my expertise did not outweigh my undisciplined personal life. For every above average project I’d manage I’d do something that left upper management wondering about my poor judgment. The cumulative effects of alcohol and drugs resulted in personality changes, severe mood swings and out of control behavior that caused my sanity to became more fragile from the struggle of daily life. Was it God who let me self-destruct? Why would I embarrass myself in front of everyone I should have cared about, even people I didn’t know? The guilt and shame I lived with caused me to drink and drug more as a way to forget the past.
I was losing my mind trying to be so many people that my ability to function seemed one step behind the task at hand; my upper edge seemed to evade me. Once again my decisions were fear based and I needed help. This time help arrived in a way I never would have imagined. That has always been the way my higher power carries me when I’m too weak to do it for myself. All I had to do was step aside and watch the miracle unfold.
In January 1982, I was offered an opportunity to go to Singapore to implement my latest software application and to develop a real time communication link to systems in the U.S.
Next: Half way around the world I found relief from my life. But it was my return from Singapore that convinced me we needed to leave.
The articles published here by babyboomers.com are small excerpts of a 268 page manuscript titled “The Courage to Surrender” that I would like published. Call 678.361.4709 for information on the manuscript.