The Defense Mechanism Most Toxic for Your Relationship

Have you ever projected your feelings on to others? If you’re human, you probably have, and you probably weren't even aware of it. Turns out this particular defense mechanism, called projection, can be very harmful to relationships. And since it’s usually done without you’re knowing, it’s good to know what it is and how you can avoid doing it.

A defense mechanism operates at an unconscious level and is a psychological manner which enables us to reduce anxiety or avoid unpleasant feelings. A classic example is the defense mechanism of displacement. You're angry that your boss is making you work late, so you slam the door when you finally leave the office. You displace your anger to the door, because you can't slam your boss (well, you could, but that wouldn't end well). Defense mechanisms can help us cope with pain and uncertainty in the short-run, but if used often, can limit our emotional development in the long-run.

Projection is the act of denying that certain qualities, feelings or thoughts exist in yourself, while attributing them to other people. Here’s an example: in a marriage, if one partner has been thinking about cheating, he or she may accuse the spouse of the same thoughts. An article in Psychology Today states, “when people try to evaluate targets' thoughts, feelings, or behaviors, they often project their own corresponding states, thereby arriving at inaccurate social judgments”. Believing that your partner feels the same way as you can lead to erroneous conclusions and complicate your relationship.

If you constantly try and impose your own wishes and thoughts onto your partner, you won't have an open-mind and your communication will suffer as a result. Being aware of projection and occasionally conducting a self-check can help you avoid this defense mechanism and the problems that can develop from it.

An interesting study about stress mindsets was recently conducted in relation to how they play a role in projection. The concept of a "stress mindset" helps explain different ways people approach life's pressures. Some people have the mindset that stress enhances their performance in life in general, while others see stress as a debilitating factor. The study was interested in whether or not your stress mindset affects how you react to others undergoing stress - so if you think stress is bad, you would project your feelings on your partner who may be undergoing stress, however, your partner may actually like a little pressure and perform better under stress. Seems complicated, right?

The takeaway? If you and your partner have a stress mindset mismatch, it could make you both less understanding towards each other, which of course can lead to trouble in your relationship. So bring this topic up with your partner and try to figure out your stress mindsets. Just being aware of how you both perceive stress can help you be more understanding of each other.




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