Do you wish for a way to lessen stress when communicating with family members you find challenging? Take heart. By adding a few key phrases and perhaps a new mindset to your toolkit, you might find yourself enjoying your interactions more at holiday time as you stress less.

In my book Communicate with Courage: Taking Risks to Overcome the Four Hidden Challenges, readers find Pro Moves – ways to send or receive messages more deftly than the average bear. A Pro Move is a good try that might flop or that you might pull off with flying colors. Either way is OK, as it’s important to love ourselves even when we fail at communication. Making a Pro Move requires passion for learning and a desire to improve your life, your surroundings, or someone else’s life. It often means you’ll use self- and other-knowledge in the action you take or decide not to take. If you know your preference when communicating is to do or say X, but you read a situation to call for Y, you can zig where you used to zag when you call upon your emotional intelligence.

Maybe you stand out, stand up, or stand down, but it’s usually not the easiest choice if you want to grow as a communicator. What is it, then? It’s the Pro Move, and many families would benefit from trying new communication behaviors rather than to repeat the same tired phrases about their opposing perspectives.

As a lifelong communication skills trainer and coach, I often offer the following phrases as suggestions to clients facing conflict in personal and professional life:

“Please tell me how you see it.”

It’s a smart move if you’re a willing participant in a debate to let the other person speak first. Listen for any part of their experience, emotions, or position that you can respect or empathize with, and state that before you begin to speak your position. You’ll find they’re likely more willing to listen when it’s your turn to speak if you’re clear that you understand (even though you may not agree) with their beliefs.

“We can agree to disagree – we have different perspectives about this and that’s OK.”

Think about the cost (time and energy) and risk (damaged relationships) before you leap into an argument. With even just one cooler head prevailing, a tense discussion can be redirected into a topic more enjoyable and appropriate for the setting. Try: “Let’s change the subject so we can all enjoy our limited time together.”

In my book I also illuminate Four Hidden Challenges, sneaky obstacles that create barriers to enjoyable conversations. They are:

• Hiding from Risk—Fear of exposing our real or supposed weaknesses to others in the room,
• Defining to be Right—Putting too much stock into our assumptions, being quick to judge others’ intentions, lifestyle, priorities, and positions when we could seize a chance to open our minds to others’ ways of being,
• Rationalizing the Negative—Shielding yourself from taking chances to speak your mind, face conflict, ask for behavior change or a chance to be heard, and
• Settling for Good Enough —Stopping at what will get us by instead of striving toward more rewarding interactions, which may require offering or asking for an apology, bravely sharing our feelings, redirecting the conversation, or setting needed boundaries with diplomacy.

When you take an opportunity to demonstrate courage in communication, you become a role model to others. When you decide to be a positive influence even in negative situations, you invest in yourself. Your self-esteem grows as you become more unflappable even in tense situations.

AUTHOR BIO: Michelle is an executive coach, instructional designer, teacher, and speaker deeply committed to helping people overcome fears as communicators. She earned her M.S. in Industrial Technology with emphasis in Organizational Psychology at Purdue University and has designed and presented over one thousand original communication seminars. Michelle taught graduate and undergraduate business courses at three universities for 18 years in her home state of Indiana. She and her team work in corporate, nonprofit, academic, government, and military settings. Her book Communicate with Courage, distributed worldwide by Penguin Random House, has earned eleven literary awards in its first year of publication. For more ideas and free additional resources, sign up for a quarterly e-newsletter focused on your growth as a communicator at www.GladieuxConsulting.com.